Global Courant 2023-05-12 13:00:00
This First Person column was written by Farideh Olsen, a musician, mother and comedian from Saskatoon. For more information on CBC’s First Person stories, see the FAQ.
I was recently accused on social media of being a lazy, neglectful and selfish mother.
It all started when I posted a video of a song I wrote called Good Mom.
It was inspired by the countless nights I lie awake obsessing over the infinite ways I screw up my child.
Like all mothers, I want to raise her perfectly. I want her to eat organic broccoli that I picked from the garden with my bare hands. I wish she never knew the glow of a screen or heard the pum pum of the Netflix opening title. I want her teeth to shine and her hair to be combed and braided to look like all the polished kids of Instagram.
But I’m not that parent and she’s not that child. I don’t grow a garden. We both love our screen time. I don’t always remember brushing my own teeth let alone hers. She likes her hair to look like she just stepped out of the wilderness – wild and unbridled, just like her.
At least once a week, my mom has to talk me off the brink of panic about parenting.
“Am I damaging her beyond repair?” I ask.
My mom says wisely and calmly, “Even the best moms have things they wish they were better at.”
She then tells how she too used to lie awake every night when I was young because I hated reading and didn’t want to brush my hair.
As I listen to her voice, I am calmed down and the panic subsides.
Olsen says she recorded the song Good Mom to remind herself and other moms that it’s OK to be imperfect. (Submitted by Farideh Olsen)
With my fear and my mother’s wisdom in my heart, I wrote Good Mom. The song reminds myself and others that we cannot do this important work perfectly and still do it well. The text begins with:
My child only eats macaroni
Her face is always looking at a screen
I rarely read her books before bed
And I often forget to brush her teeth
I am a good mother
Not a perfect one
I always make mistakes
I am a good mother
with many restrictions
I can’t be everything
And that’s okay
The response when I posted the Good Mom video was overwhelming, with over a million views and thousands of comments on TikTok and Instagram. Most of the responses were statements like, “I thought I was the only one” or “Why does this feel so revolutionary to hear!?” and “Need this so badly!”
Then there were the comments like “Wow, what a lazy mom,” or “You’re neglecting that baby,” and “you don’t prioritize your kids, why even have them?” These comments further say how selfish I am, how instead of writing a song I should have taken care of my child and that I am normalizing child neglect.
I clearly hit a nerve.
Olsen admits in her song Good Mom that she rarely reads to her child before bed. (Submitted by Farideh Olsen)
Reading these comments made me understand why moms don’t publicly share their struggles with parenting. In a society where most of the care tasks fall to the mother, the same applies to the assessment of whether she performs those tasks perfectly.
Unsurprisingly, none of my harsh critics asked where the other parent was. For the record, he’s right next to me and says, “She’ll be fine. I never brushed my teeth growing up.”
It was fascinating to see how motherhood was reduced to caring responsibilities. As if the quality of my love, support, attention and care can be measured in bowls of macaroni.
I received personal messages from mothers who are secretly embarrassed because they can’t be bothered to fight their kids every night to get a bath or keep them from picking their nose. They were relieved that they weren’t the only mom struggling with the myriad of tasks.
Am I a perfect mother? No.
Am I a good mother? Yes, no doubt.
If you’re struggling with your mom’s guilt, remember that being “perfect” isn’t an option. The opportunities to improve as a parent are endless and lifelong. You do your best with what you have, and you do it better than you think.
This Mother’s Day, tell a mom in your life that she’s doing great. She needs to hear it. And the next time you’re tempted to judge a mom who looks at her phone while she’s in the park with her kid, remember that she’s doing her very best.
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