Global Courant
You can find it romantic with someone, but finances and money can derail even the most star-crossed lovers. Sixty-four percent of couples acknowledge that their spending, saving and investment philosophies are incompatible with those of their partners, according to a survey by fintech firm Bread Financial.
CNBC Select spoke to Wendy Wright, a financial and marriage counselor based in Denver, about how you and your partner can keep your conversations about money from turning into bitter arguments.
Set regular and consistent times to discuss finances
There isn’t one perfect moment in the relationship when every couple should start talking about budgets and financial goals. But if it didn’t come up naturally in conversation, you should definitely raise money before making big decisions that will tie you together financially, like moving in or getting engaged.
If you and your partner are still in the early stages of your relationship, focus less on concrete goals and more on discovering whether you have compatible financial values. Talking about money can make you (and your partner) feel uncomfortable, so Wright suggests gradually sharing your own thoughts about money to help both of you get used to the subject.
“The pressure becomes (the need) to put everything into this one conversation like you have to get it all in,” says Wright. Instead, couples should aim to have multiple conversations over time, focusing on one or two topics at a time. Set aside a special time and space for these “money dates,” which Wright recommends limiting to 45 minutes and leaving at least a few days between each session. “That builds confidence and also shows that you don’t have to know everything at once when it comes to money,” she says.
Address any disagreements head on and try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Most importantly, approach these topics with compassion and without judgment. Try to avoid automatic responses. If the conversation ever gets too intense, take a break and come back to it when you both feel calmer.
Consider putting the word “money” aside
Financial therapy emphasizes the importance of exploring the underlying emotions and beliefs that drive financial behavior. To do this, couples must be able to move beyond superficial issues and into a more holistic understanding of how money affects their lives.
One strategy proposed by Wright is to avoid using the word “money” and instead hone in on what emotional problems lie beneath the dollars and cents.
“If they say, ‘I’m stressed about money,’ they’re probably saying, ‘I’m stressed that I may have made a mistake here’ or ‘I’m stressed that I won’t be good enough,’ says Wright.
By focusing on the underlying emotions, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other’s values regarding money, and hopefully find common ground.
Focus on the future
As couples make joint commitments and consider building a life together, Wright encourages them to make a money card. This is a timeline that visually represents each person’s financial plans. For example, you want to take a $5,000 vacation once a year or have a certain amount of money saved by retirement. Whatever your goals are, they should be reflected on the money card.
At this stage, you shouldn’t get bogged down in the details of how to achieve these goals. “Without judging them and without calculating, just put them on there for everyone to dream,” says Wright. “Often within a relationship, as soon as one person says, ‘I’d like to go on vacation,’ the other partner starts to feel responsible for it and feels like, ‘Oh now, we have to deliver on that.’ a tension around it.”
Once you’ve put your goals on a money map, you need to start prioritizing which one you want to achieve first. Budgeting apps can help you keep track of your available resources and how much you need to make those dreams come true. These apps love Mint And Authorize allow you to set specific goals, such as saving for a down payment on a home or building an emergency fund. From there, you can link your bank accounts or credit cards, which will automatically track and categorize your expenses.
Authorize
Cost
App is free, but users have the option to add investment management services for 0.89% of their money (for accounts under $1 million)
Notable features
A budgeting app and investment tool that tracks both your expenses and your assets
Categorizes your expenses
Yes, but users can change
Links to accounts
Yes, debit and credit cards, but also IRAs, 401(k)s, mortgages and loans
Availability
Offered on both the App Store (for iOS) and Google Play (for Android)
Security features
Data encryption, fraud protection and strong user authentication
If you and your partner are looking for a place to pool your money for shared goals, such as a down payment on a house or a vacation abroad, Check and save SoFi account topped our list of best joint bank accounts. The 4.20% APY you earn on savings (and 1.20% APY you earn on checking balances if you set up a direct deposit) make this account a strong choice for couples.
Check and save SoFi
SoFi Bank is a member of the FDIC.
Annual Percentage Yield (APY)
Direct deposit members earn 4.30% APY on Savings and Vaults balances and 1.20% APY on checking balances; non-direct deposit members earn 1.20% APY on all account balances when checking and saving (including Vaults)
minimum balance
Monthly costs
Maximum trades
Up to 6 free withdrawals or transfers per statement cycle; transaction amount limits apply
Excessive transaction costs
Exceeding compensation
SoFi members receiving $1,000 or more in total monthly direct deposits are eligible for no-cost overdraft coverage (covers up to $50; purchases exceeding this amount will be declined)
Offer a checking account?
Yes, bundled with savings account
Offer ATM?
Yes, along with a SoFi checking account
Advantages
Strong APY with direct deposit No minimum balance or deposit No monthly fees Comes with checking account and ATM access 2-day early payment check automatically when setting up direct deposit Automatically save change with Roundups and set savings goals with Vaults Get up to 15% cash back at local branches No foreign transaction fees FDIC insurance up to $2 million through the SoFi Insured Deposit Program Up to a $250 welcome bonus for a limited time
cons
Must set up direct deposit to earn high APY No reimbursement for out-of-network ATM fees No stand-alone checking or savings account
Stay flexible as you navigate ups and downs
Just as your financial situation will constantly change, you and your partner should remain willing to review and adjust your goals as necessary.
For example, you and your partner may have agreed to split the marriage household bills evenly divided when you first started living together. But if one of you loses your job (or gets a big raise!), sticking to that division of financial responsibilities can create tensions because it doesn’t match current realities.
For this reason, Wright advises couples to remain flexible in deciding who pays for what in the relationship and to approach any conversation on the subject with an open mind. “That’s kind of telling when somebody’s very rigid about it, and they’re like, ‘Oh, I’m making 32.8% more than you, so I’ll pay that much more,'” she says. “We want more flexibility. We want to be able to talk about it and say, what are other ways someone can contribute to the family?”
It boils down
Couples can benefit from reflecting on their relationship with money, visualizing their financial priorities, and coming up with a plan to achieve them together. Starting financial discussions early can help you and your partner align your financial goals and build a strong foundation for your future together.
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Note to editors: Opinions, analysis, reviews or recommendations contained in this article are solely those of the editors of Select and have not been reviewed, endorsed or otherwise endorsed by any third party.
