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Happy Wednesday everyone. Tonight’s monologue is dedicated to all our friends on the left who are failing upwards. Leading the charge, VP Kamala Harris. It’s the only time she’s ever led. And congratulations. Kamala is the most unpopular VP in recorded history, according to a new poll from NBC, which is like a news network but with Chuck Todd. Think about that. She beat Al Gore, a man named Biden and even Dick Cheney and he shot a man in the face. But he had it coming, I think. I don’t really know that story very well. Anyway, so who says women can’t beat men if given the chance? Yes, ladies, you too can suck just as much as men. She really is the Bud Light of veeps. Roll the latest Sven.
VIDEO FOR KAMALA HARRIS AND ANDY BRAVO DANCING
That was cruel. I haven’t heard this much forced laughter since Kimmel hosted the Oscars. It was more awkward than Hunter Biden taking your daughter to work. But even with Kamala’s approval numbers on CNN territory, she’s still a heartbeat away from the presidency. And when I say a heartbeat, I assume Joe still has one. It doesn’t even run at half speed anymore. Here he is talking about Putin.
REPORTER: To what extent has Vladimir Putin been weakened by recent events?
PRESIDENT BIDEN: It’s hard to say, but he’s clearly losing the war in Iraq. He loses the war at home.
Oh my God. We’re in deep trouble. Hey, Iraq, Ukraine, tomato, tomato. Let’s both invade. Still, the Dems want Kamala right next to the president, perhaps in case he falls. Right now, she’s less of a vice president and more of a visiting angel.
VIDEO OF VISITING ANGELS
If only that were true. At least then she would be useful. Instead, she disappears for days or weeks, only to be found in Joe’s kitchen, threading his concerns with Prestone. She’s like a cicada that occasionally pops up to make an annoying noise. Her staff hate her. She really is the Janice dean of politicians.
KAMALA HARRIS, GAFFE MACHINE: VP’S PUBLIC APPEARANCES MARKED BY AWFUL MOMENTS, CONTROVERSIONS
I know. It’s all scuttlebutt. Still, her chances of going from VP to P continue to rise. But shouldn’t this all work the other way around? Shouldn’t we reward success and not fail? I mean, what about Karine Jean-Pierre? She just shows you that you can be historical and still be worthless.
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was bombarded with questions about the growing Hunter Biden scandal during Friday’s press conference. (hoto by Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: A lot of things that made me incredibly proud to be on that podium at this historic moment. Again, this is a historic administration. I am a historical figure and certainly walk in history every day.
You can’t tell people you’re historical. Other people tell you you’re historical, okay? And you are historical. You are the first press secretary ever to rely solely on the Fifth Amendment. Meanwhile, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg was responsible for a 75% increase in crime, including a record homicide rate. There would have been even more drive-by shootings if it weren’t for all the potholes. Admittedly, the streets had more gaping wounds than Sonny Corleone at a toll booth. But all Biden cared about was that the man married a dude and that the new job would be his honeymoon. What could go wrong? Right? No wonder the country’s asphalt is a mess and no one seems to care. And wait, did the teachers’ union actually force our schools to stay closed? And can your children no longer read or write at their level? Then why don’t you give Randi Weingarten an appearance at Homeland Security’s School Safety Board? Just absolutely no security background. But on the other hand, only her face could frighten the Wagner group.
Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers and member of the AFL-CIO, speaks alongside Michael Mulgrew, president of the United Federation of Teachers, a teachers’ union in New York City, at a news conference Monday, Oct. 1. December 4, 2021, in the Manhattan borough of New York. (AP Photo/John Minchillo) (AP Photo/John Minchillo)
But you see a trend, don’t you? It’s as plain as the bolts in John Fetterman’s neck. When the rest of us fail, which admittedly I know very little about, we take our chunks and walk away. But when the less chosen fall, and they ever do, their careers defy gravity like Jerry Nadler’s pants. Look at that. How is that? How does that hold up? Anthony Fauci, who was in charge of awarding US tax dollars to the Chinese lab that almost certainly invented COVID. Well, he will soon be joining the Georgetown staff as a distinguished professor of infectious diseases. After all, who better to be an infectious disease expert than the president of the fan club?
FAUCI LANDS NEW ‘AWARD AWARDED’ GIG TO MONITOR INFECTIVE DISEASE RESEARCH AT GEORGETOWN MEDICAL SCHOOL
And what do former New York mayor Bill de Blasio and former Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot have in common? You know, aside from half the Addams Family? That’s true! More like 2/5. They both teach at Harvard. You know the crime rates in those classes are skyrocketing. I hope there will be extra credit for public urination. And what about fired SFDA Chesa Boudin? Well, he went to Berkeley Law. Disgraced FBI Director James Comey went to Columbia Law and Hillary Clinton? She attended Columbia’s School of Public Affairs. Public affairs. Yes, I’ll tell them anyway.
But it sounds like a course her husband should teach. I mean you could even lose the L and it would still work. Less than one would be the proper use of cigars. But in Hillary’s defense, I hear she’s a killer behind the stage and in Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell. What are you talking about? Look, we all know that leftist failures get into academia to make future leftist failures. But for all their education, no one taught them the meaning of meritocracy.
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It should be one of the founding principles of America. It inspires achievement and excellence. You reward success and the nation grows stronger. Ignore that and you have a round of favoritism that undermines the quality of our roads, our schools, our government, our leaders. But if America is going to survive and compete with countries that actually send their kids to school, we better stop protecting and rewarding failures just because they tick a box. But since I’m sort of a glass half full, which I am, if we get four more years of Kamala, at least we’ll always have the bongos.
VIDEO OF KAMALA HARRIS SPEAKING WHILE BONGOS PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11 p.m.-12 a.m./ET) and co-host of cable news’s highest-rated program The five (weekdays, 5-6pm/ET).
