Global Courant 2023-05-02 09:56:35
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Happy Monday everyone. It’s great to be back – for now. So I had an anniversary this weekend. Yes, it was the seventh anniversary of the first time I saw Kim Kardashian’s butt in person. To see? That’s me there. I’m behind her and to the right. And you can clearly see that my eyes were on that thing. And that thing was so big it felt like it was staring back.
This happened in 2016 during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. I haven’t gone since, because how could I top that? But this weekend’s version of the event also reminded me why I haven’t been back either. The mainstream media sucks, and it’s worse in a tuxedo because the coverage reminds us what it’s really about — something I call ego-affirming worry. It’s where members of the so-called free press can inflate their self-esteem like Chinese spy balloons. And like any award show, it’s artificially created to remind you that they matter. Here they can enjoy a shrimp cocktail along with the smell of Joe Biden’s persistent farts. They smell like butterscotch.
That’s what happens when you follow Werthers. Now to say that DC Hollywood is for ugly people is unfair to ugly people. Ugly people at least hide their faces when they’re not on CNN. So, as usual, the media pours a dizzying amount of energy into inviting people to make themselves look cool, as the Washington Post notes, “a good guest can help validate the importance of a news organization. And jockeying for dinner guests starts like early January.” So Brittney Griner was a guest on CBS.
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You know, it’s a good thing we got that deal done in time for the Russian arms dealer. Right? Because she brought the weed and the guests had to be really high to laugh at most of those jokes. She sat with Gayle King, who was relieved not to be the tallest lesbian in the room. She’s straight. But as always, it was surreal to watch some of the worst people in Washington team up with some of the worst people in Hollywood. That Adams family reboot is looking pretty good right now. They’ve already cast Lurch.
John Legend and Chrissy Teigen were also there. And like any good royal family, Chrissy had a few helpful servants to carry the train of her dress. They should be thankful they never have to do that for Eric Swalwell. You know, because he farts. You know, maybe we should just stop that joke. After a while no one remembers. So why were those two there? Well, they were NBC News guests, but better question. Why are they there? NBC must really hate the press for inflicting this kind of torture on this group. Of course it’s a funny joke. Invite the most insufferable, insufferable Cretans and let them flaunt their superiority over you. Plus they stink. I don’t know, but I thought I’d add it.
Now the night was also a chance for reporters to befriend the world’s largest dummy. It had to be stressful for Joe’s handlers. Whenever he is under the bright lights, they are afraid that he will walk towards them. While I wonder in many ways, does this dinner sum up his first two years in office, where he talks for 10 minutes, answers no questions, and then cheerfully walks away?
JOE BIDEN: In many ways, this dinner sums up my first two years in office. I talk for 10 minutes, answer no questions, and happily walk away.
The difference here is that he didn’t fall off the stage when he tried to punch Casper the friendly ghost with his fists. The most powerful man in the free world just boasted about his contempt for the press, and they all just sat there chuckling. Haha. All right, boss. If you keep throwing the rotting fish at us, we’ll keep clapping like trained seals. Or how about this joke?
JOE BIDEN: I had a bunch of Ron DeSantis jokes ready, but Mickey Mouse hit me like a rocket and got there first.
Mickey Mouse beat him up. for what? Trying to smell his ears? A mouse can undoubtedly kick Biden’s ass. At this point, I wouldn’t take Joe over Tinker Bell, but that line made no sense. So maybe it sums up his time as president. I think maybe the teleprompter said Mickey Mouse got ahead of him and Joe twisted the punchline. You know, he’s the first president to read at the third grade level. It’s a shame people have to pretend the president’s jokes were funny, which you wouldn’t have to if Trump were there.
DONALD TRUMP: You’d think he’d stand up at least once and say, I want to run for president? Where am I going? Where the hell am I going? I want out. Oh no. over there. over there.
And you know, Joe’s tired when you get mocked by a 76–year–old. But it’s a shame Trump never went because he would have killed and not Hillary Clinton’s way. Washington Post reporter Matt Viser won the Aldo Beckman Award for capturing the ghost of Joe Biden. And that’s a tough ghost to capture, because he flees Joe’s body when he flatlines five times a week.
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER PRESENTER: The jurors said Matt Viser stood out among his competitors for work that went beyond the bland account of the managed events of the White House presidency. Viser caught the ghost of Joe Biden, especially with stories about the president’s brother and how his Catholic faith influenced his strategic vision for the office. The WHCA is pleased to present the Aldo Beckman Award to Matt Viser.
So his Catholic faith influenced his view of the office? How exactly? And you know, defending abortion until the boy can do his schedules.
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So a reporter gets an award for kissing the president. How’s that for speaking the truth to power? But there are some good reporters out there, right? They were easy to spot because they all came from the same place. And unlike the crowd, they weren’t ugly. Look at these four hotties. These four striking ladies prop up a billboard for anonymous gamblers.
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Now you could say, Greg, you look better than all of them. Why didn’t you go? Thank you. You’re right. But I couldn’t, because Saturday night is twister night at the orphanage.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11 p.m.-12 a.m./ET) and co-host of cable news’s highest-rated program The five (weekdays, 5-6pm/ET).
