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Good evening, you capitalist pigs. You know, there once was a time when I loved my audience. You were the smartest, bravest, most unique collection of people anywhere. Most of you were paper-trained and could take a punch. It’s like a circus except all the bearded ladies are at swim meets.
But then I picked up a copy of Forbes magazine while I was in the waiting room at my gynecologist. You know, they once loved their audience, too. But no more. You remember, the magazine used to be focused on helping readers invest money, build wealth and achieve better lives for themselves and their families. They were bought by a front for China’s sovereign wealth fund. But I’m sure that wouldn’t influence the viewpoints. Right?
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But now, thanks to Forbes, I finally understand that wealth is actually evil. Just like the readers.
This from the magazine founded by Malcolm Forbes, a man so loaded, he had Faberge eggs for breakfast. And, of course, you know what that means. Capitalism is evil, which means America is evil. Which means all of you are evil. Just like Shannon Bream. Yeah, Forbes has your number terrible people. Let’s look at a few recent headlines. “Wake up, be woke and lead the change: Overcoming DE&I opposition. Here writer Aniela Unguresan taught me that my resistance to going woke is due to my “fear of change, my fear of losing power and privilege,” and of course, my “bias and my prejudice.” What a relief, right? I thought it was because I’m allergic to ****. Unguresan, which I think is Mongolian for Brooklyn Cat Lady, then runs through the ways to overcome this bias, including transparent communication. Sounds like when I talked to Kat on a phone through prison plexiglass.
But to the left, transparent communication means sit quietly while I scream at you. Here’s another instructive gem from Forbes: “Is the ‘War on Woke’ a War on Our Country’s Future?” Writer Jeff Raikes opines that the right wants to strip gays of their “hard-won human rights,” and that, to conservatives, “woke is the new communism. The big scary word to rile up people and hold the fractious GOP caucus together.” Yeah, Raikes is so right. I didn’t know that all you jerks want is gays not to vote. Have you no shame? I, for one, want voting to be more gay-friendly, like having booths with glory holes. Now, now, now. If you think. Look, if you think I make too many juvenile gay sex jokes, may I remind you I have several gay men on my staff. Now comes the latest piece in Forbes to hate on evil capitalists. Mark Travers explains something called the “Wealth Love Paradox.” He details some goofy studies that link getting rich with unethical behavior, including their, “lax attitude towards rules, their skewed, skewed, ethical compass, their in consideration, and their overemphasis on winning.” Sounds like my old Match.com profile.
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But in other words, affluent people are the worst. So what is Forbes at this point? What used to be an icon of wealth is now crapping on the engine that kept them afloat. I haven’t seen a magazine insult its audience like that since Playboy featured Rosie O’Donnell. But, you know, it’s not just Forbes. These days Wall Street heavily favors donating to Dems over Republicans. So what if illegal immigrants overwhelm the schools? Their kids go private. Your daughter lost a bike race to a man? Buy her a faster Ferrari. Yeah. Even our moneyed class has been infected with the woke mind virus. Maybe it was from the eight COVID shots. So what in the name of Adam Smith is going on here? Well, clearly, there are some serious, self-hating going on. I haven’t seen anyone beat on himself this hard since Carlos Danger. But the truth is, while they try to cloak it in calls for equity and diversity, nothing riles up progressives like American success.
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For all its flaws, this country remains the most successful experiment in human governance of all time. Nowhere else will self-reliance and hard work be so reliably rewarded. Where else can an African immigrant become the richest man in the world with nothing more than his brain and a hair transplant? Will success happen every time? Of course not. Will it happen for every person? Nope. And sometimes you’ll get rewarded, even though you’re nothing but a drain on society. But look, not everyone can have a hit book, a hit show, and be sexy at the same time. Thank you.
No, no, no, no. Not her. No. Not him either. Who is this a*** cameraman? Anyway, for all their whiny virtue signaling, what the Forbes crew can’t refute is that America’s capitalist system is not only why people here can achieve so much success, it’s also why America continues to lead the world. Even when our current leader sometimes goes astray. And it’s why someone is actually willing to pay them to write these stupid cliches. But here’s the great news for Forbes. New census data claims US household incomes fell for the third straight year. And as the Wall Street Journal notes, thanks to the high cost of housing and economic downturns, more and more baby boomers are becoming homeless.
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So whose basements will their kids live in? So problem solved. Looks like Forbes will get its way. Soon the rich won’t be able to do bad things because they won’t exist. And we’ll all be poor but really good people because the poor are angels. Hell, if Forbes gets its way, we’ll be taking financial advice from these folks.
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Look, the bottom line– America isn’t known as the land of precisely equal outcomes. We’re the land of opportunity. And opportunity means you have to work for it, you have to earn it. And here, so many from so many backgrounds still can and still do. You know, take me, for instance. I started out as a wisecracking columnist for a small magazine, and now I own ten slaughterhouses.
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But it’s why there isn’t exactly a line waiting until you get into Uruguay, except from their neighbors– Paraguay and Loserguay. So you know what? I guess I love you all again. And you know why? Because you’ve earned your success. Despite what Forbes believes, whatever level of the American dream you’ve achieved, you and your families are entitled to enjoy it starting with tonight’s show.
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Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).