Global Courant
Like a psychologist And sexologistwe have spent a total of 50 years studying what makes relationships successful.
A misconception many people have is that happy couples argue less. But that is not the case; they just argue more effectively.
When we work with couples who don’t seem to be making progress in their disagreements, we often suggest that they call a truce and make a plan to communicate better. They each write down what’s bothering them about the other (and the relationship itself).
For this to be effective, couples must establish certain engagement rules about how these issues will be shared and discussed.
Communication rules of the most successful relationships
If you already use these rules of engagement when you argue, your relationship will be more successful than most others:
We’ll be fair, but not cruel. There will be no swear words or disgrace. Our goal will be to resolve this so we can move forward. We won’t be leaving the conversation, but it’s fine to ask for a 20-minute break. We assume that we both want the same things – to connect and improve our relationship. We will take the stance of “you and me against the problem, not you against me.” We will try to use “I feel” statements instead of blaming each other. We will indicate positive needs (e.g. “I need to feel closer to you.”).
It’s critical that you and your partner agree that the rules of engagement include both tact and truth. This will help both of you get to the root of your issues without breaking your emotional bond.
When couples can give each other space to express their opinions fully, and then ask questions about those opinions, rather than just insisting on their own opinions (or leaving the scene), softer feelings the time to come up.
These warm feelings are the glue that holds successful couples together.
Jessica GriffinPsyD, is a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Chan Medical School of the University of Massachusetts. She is also the co-author of “Relationship Rx: Recipes for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection.” Continue to follow Jessica Twitter And Instagram.
Pepper SchwartzPhD, is a sexuality expert and co-author of “Relationship Rx: Recipes for Lasting Love and Deeper ConnectionShe is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington at Seattlewhere they the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship on Intimate Relationships and Sexuality. Follow pepper Twitter And Instagram.
Do not miss it:
Do you want to be smarter and more successful with your money, work and life? Sign up here for our new newsletter
